#127. The case for small talk

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HAPPY FRIDAY 🎉 *Hits blunt*

In epidemiology, sometimes (especially in emergencies) when we want to know the effect of something like a vaccine, we use a concept called person-time. If we give 100 people a vaccine and follow each of them for a year, at the end of the year, we’ll have 100 person-years worth of data (the number of people times the amount of time). This lets us get a lot of data—fast. For example, observing 1000 people for a year would give us 1000 person-years. We can also use person-hours, person-days, or person-months, depending on the situation.

The manufacturing industry uses this concept, too. If you sell lightbulbs and want to claim they last 10 years, you don’t need to test a bulb for a full decade before going to market. Instead, you calculate bulb-years. You could test, say, 10,000 lightbulbs for one year, which would give you 10,000 bulb-years.

While observing the bulbs or vaccinated people, you note the “incidents” (blown bulbs or side effects) and calculate a failure rate (incident(s) divided by bulb-years or person-time), which you slap on all the TV ads. Hopefully it’s a low rate.

*Puff, puff, pass.*

LIFE.
The case for small talk.

Have you ever been lost and in need of directions? How did you decide who to ask for help?

Assuming all the strangers around you look like you, how would you decide who to ask for help?

Months ago, I arrived fashionably late to a grad party, and the host unflinchingly assigned me to the dad table. And I accepted my lot about as well as a 30-something-year-old lady reacts to no longer getting carded at bars or nightclubs.

But I fitted in seamlessly, navigating the nuances of good supermarket deals, optimal traffic routes (why do men like talking about traffic and alternative routes?), and good barbeque. In fact, the host, who was manning the grill, had cooked—placing me exactly where I belonged.

As casual conversations often bend toward politics, conversations among parents inevitably circle the drain of the so-called “doomed younger generation.”

So, together, we freaked out about preparing our kids for this new world.

We talked about AI and how much academia—itself in an existential crisis, losing its monopoly on knowledge and at risk of becoming a glorified licensing institution—has to change.

We talked about how ChatGPT will make people forget how to construct an essay from scratch.
We talked about how people will forget how to think critically.
We talked about how people will enter serious relationships with AIs that look and sound like the person who rejected them in real life.

But for every lost art we claimed AI would crucify, we followed up with the question: if AI can do it, should the kids still learn how to do it? Or should they learn something else? Something more relevant. More high-level.

It’s hard to engage in this debate because—and I’m afraid to admit—we don’t have the tools to fully fathom it. This is one of those things our kids will have to explain to us while we grapple in the mud for meaning.

The conversation settled on one point: that we should prioritize imparting common sense, good manners, social graces, and street smarts. Surely, AI can’t teach those, right?

Right??

Not soon, I think.

We talked about the art of reading the room. Of stumbling into a space, reading the look on the faces, and instantly knowing you’re not wanted. You might think this is a natural instinct, but it isn’t. It is learned behavior.

We talked about smiling and nodding at strangers.
We talked about the art of small talk.

I can’t think of a better analogy for small talk than foreplay. Despite how much some people like to brush it aside or rush through it, it’s essential.

Small talk is a social lubricant. It breaks the ice.

When animals from different packs meet each other in the wild, they either fight or prance around each other like wrestlers at the beginning of a match, looking for an angle. They might rub heads or sniff each other. They feel each other out.

Humans do this, too. Through small talk. Through fake smiles. Through the silent nod two black men—strangers to each other—exchange on the street.

These gestures are forms of social lubrication, designed to either elicit further interaction or simply acknowledge our shared existence.

For example, if you walked outside your house tomorrow and no one made eye contact with you all day, you’d notice. You’d also immediately think something was off. And by then, it might be too late.

Like animals, we developed social graces to create harmony. A smile from a stranger, though perhaps fake, may not mean much, but at the very least, it signals that things are moving along. That things are okay.

Small talk, in particular, is important because it’s a tacit way to invite someone to talk to you. It’s a subtle way of saying, “I’m here, I’m cool; you can talk to me.”

Just as sword fighting has died out because, thankfully—except for men arguing on Twitter and podcasts—we no longer settle fights with swords, we see the impacts of the death of social graces today. We see it in bad customer service and people rushing for their phones at the slightest whiff of social discomfort.

Social graces are the sort of thing we must collectively keep alive.

And of course, not everyone can hold dry conversations with strangers or smile at passers-by on the street, but like vaccinations, a critical mass of people must participate for everyone to enjoy the benefits.

So, if you were lost and needed to ask for help, you’d probably ask the person making eye contact and smiling. Be that person.

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THINGS.
A tweet.

A picture.

I attended Everyday People in D.C. last weekend, and besides being told it was a rite of passage and having a blast, I also got many compliments on my pants, so…what will I do with all this fame now?

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WORK.
An old Excel trick

You have data:

While missing data is common when you deal with any form of data, you look at that table and you know the three missing genders are female, and you want to update the table accordingly. Quickly.

Done.

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FUN.
The Friday Fix playlist

Shem’s picks

✅ Looking to escape? Here’s a hour-long tour of the Ritz-Carlton in the Maldives

✅ How to develop a better sense of direction

✅ A collection of graphics of good news

✅ Why are there so many snakes?

✅ Improve the way you use ChatGPT

Have a great weekend,

— Shem

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